Starting Over......Again

SOOOOooooo much has happened since my last post here.

Back then, I thankfully had no idea what trauma was just around the corner.

September 21st, 2022, my husband was diagnosed with a grade 4 glioblastoma of the brain.

He started intensive chemo and radiation, and even a head machine that was designed to slow the

growth of the cancer.

None of it worked.

In March 17th of 2023, an MRI showed that the cancer had spread significantly and was basically

like sand.....impossible to cut out.

So, I did what I could to make Wayne's last days at least doing something he wanted to do.

We went on a cruise.

It was the most awesome time for the two of us together.

I'm so very thankful we went.

We left April 8th, and returned April 17th, 2023.

In the time we were gone, Wayne started having symptoms of progression of the cancer.

When we got home, he was unable to walk without a walker, and was very confused.

One week later he was in hospice with me as his caregiver.

I would have done anything to help him, I loved him so much.

But he became too much for me to care for after two weeks (he was bigger and stronger than me) and I couldn't keep him from getting out of bed and trying to do things he couldn't do anymore because his brain wasn't functioning.

He was in the hospital for a week, and passed away June 3rd, 2023.

My heart hurts.

It has been almost 3 months since my husband's passing, and I'm doing ok.

Kind of.

Our 23 Anniversary would have been this past August 25th.

We were supposed to have a renewing of our vows on our 25th wedding anniversary.

We were supposed to travel to Germany and Ireland together.

We were supposed to grow old together.

As it was, Wayne was 54 when he passed.

I'm just 53.

Suddenly I'm in a whole different stage of life.

All of our friends are so helpful to me and our 21 year old son.

But......I struggle being with them because, well, they are all still married.

And I'm still married in my heart, but......they all have their spouses and I don't.

It makes me all the more keenly aware that my life partner and best friend is really gone.